Franklin Pierce

Origins
Franklin Pierce was born to a long line of British court jesters who had moved to America when his mother was pregnant. Due to this, he was skilled in the arts of trickery, chaos and confusion. He spent much of his life as a birthday party clown, with a side job as a clown stripper and clown prostitute. In 1853 he used his skills in trickery to rig the election and make himself president, in a hope to save the country.

Presidency
Franklin Pierce used a variety of political maneuvers to confuse both the North and South so much that they wouldn't be angry. He gutted the Compromise of 1850 via the Kansas-Nebraska act, which both did the exact same thing and made both sides equally happy and mad, confusing the hell out of everyone, including me writing this bio. He was not elected again, but was able to postpone the war for 4 years, allowing Abraham Lincoln much more time to train.