George Washington

"I was born by the toothpick, lived by the brick, and I'll die by the epiglottis"



Childhood
George Washington was born on February 22, 1732 in Virginia to an extremely poor family. While his family had an extremely lucrative toothpick business, the British Government taxed them for 130% of their profits, meaning they were constantly losing money. He grew up with an ingrained hatred of the British and their taxes, and wanted to destroy them. At age 12, he ran away from home for a better life. Being raised in the ways of the toothpick, he hid by the side of paths and would attack patrolling soldiers with a toothpick, killing them. As many traveling merchants saw him, other kids would abandon their homes to join him. By age 14, he had a gang of over 200 kids, living off horse meat from British officers and getting an average of 240 kills every day. They continued this, until they heard of a meeting of the twelve colonies.

Meeting
George Washington went to the meeting with his army, where he met Thomas Jefferson, who, despite technically being only 3 years old, was extremely mature and acted as a father figure to George. George, despite his young age, was an extremely aggressive negotiator and led the colonies into the War of Independence.

War of Independence
George Washington played a very large part in the War of Independence, acting as the military leader as well as leading his own assassination squad. During this time, his squad raided a British brick factory, where George changed his signature weapon from toothpicks to a sword made of pure brick. His most famous event was the final battle of the war, where the King of England himself came to the colonies to try to kill George. They battled at Mount Vermin, where George slew the king and froze his blood into a new sword made of ice. He went on to be the president of America.

Presidency
During his presidency he created the ideas behind the American government that would stay in effect until the Soviet Merge hundreds of years later. He ran a ridiculous number of terms before dying from inhaling his food and choking to death.